What if we were exactly perfect the way we are? What if we could all just groove on our innate perfection, delight in how much bad TV we watch, laugh at our inconsistent behavior, rejoice in the messes we make.
So much gets caught up in how we want to be seen by others and by ourselves, sometimes we don't savor an aspect of ourselves because our only relationship to it is trying to change it. I'm not against change. Not by a long shot. I see how certain habits of body or mind do not serve me and I work to eliminate/adapt /update/release them.
But what if we allowed for the idea that, along the way – no matter how fat, lazy, broke, dishonest, undisciplined we may be – we never cease to be magnificent. The movie Leaving Las Vegas was a sort of homage to that idea.
I believe that all our actions of body and mind can only serve to reveal the joy of our lives, or veil it. We cannot create joy, anymore than we can destroy it. We can only interfere with our experience of it – and even then, some of the ways we chose to block our own joy are downright beautiful in their absurdity, the way rust on iron can be a beautiful color.
What if .... joy?
This entry is incredibly apt for me right now... I got hit with bad tax news again, my own doing, and have started reading a book to understand where my issues with money come from. One of the book's exercises inspired me that for just a month, even a week, I should stop trying to change myself.
ReplyDeleteFinancially I can't stay stagnant, but in all other areas, when I tell myself I should be on one path or doing this not that, or I'm letting myself down I need to tell myself to be quiet and just be. Stop trying to be so much. Stop trying to always grow and develop.
It makes me ask what am I afraid so that I must always be in a state of change? What is it about just accepting myself as is that is so undesirable?
So for this week, no change, no constant pushing, no feats of self-overhaul. Just live for a week and try not to judge.
Thanks for your thought-stirring words, Valerie!
I love this post...so much so that I responded to it with a post on my blog (below). Thank you so much for your beautiful blog, Valarie.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Lauren
Its been awhile. Things have been busy: work at the factory (although that's tapering off), working on the zine, and generally trying to keep my head above water.
I've realized two things about myself recently that I don't love, but a-la Valarie's Beauty style, am trying to embrace them joyfully.
#1 - I need to complain to be happy.
Maybe this comes from so much therapy, but I've got to kvetch, just got to. Now that I'm a mama, I've got loads more material. In a way its not so much complaining as it is research. As in, verbally examining how am I feeling about particular things in my life.
As I'm writing this it occurs to me that although it feels quite natural to do this, I hesitate to subject those I care for to this unusual activity of mine (sorry: Daniel, Lisa and Catherine). In part because it may be dull, but also I wonder if the listener feels as though they're not getting sufficient air time or my most sensitive listening ear. In other words, this is not conversation.
#2 - I don't like cleaning.
Although I love having everything just so, it stresses me out to be constantly cleaning. For awhile Daniel and I instituted the "if you use it, put it away" rule. More specifically, "if Aidan uses it while you're with him put it away" rule.
And at the end of the day no toy lay on the floor, the kitchen was sparkling and the bedroom was tidy, I was a wreck. To borrow a phrase from Ariel Gore, there's no such thing as whiter than white so you know what? Frack it. Frack whiter than white.
I embrace the O's and rice on the carpet and the fact that I remember to put a bib on my son only after I've started feeding him. And loads of other stuff that I can't think of now but that contributes to general chaos in my environment.
Cultivate?
You may wonder what's Cultivate all about then? That's my theme for this year. The overarching theme that encapsulates everything I want from the next 12 months. Sustainable Cultivation. And who knows, maybe embracing my messes--conversational and literal--will help me put that energy into growing what needs growing this year.